this and that

I hate my job. I’ve been in this industry for six years now and I still hate it. Unfortunately, this is the only job I can get that pays. And even if I try those that don’t pay much, I wouldn’t make it. Not because I’m not qualified, but because most companies, if not all, require a college degree. So I always go back to one of my greatest frustrations in life (and there are a lot, believe me): not finishing college. And then, as if the torture is not enough, my mind would wander to another frustration: being born poor. Every time I meet someone and the topic would go to the “What do you do?” part, I try not to overreact. Sometimes I fail miserably. I couldn’t help explaining how fucked up I feel about this whole mess. Sometimes I do this teary eyed. And almost every time I get advices like, “It’s okay, atleast you have a job.” or “You’re lucky to have one, others don’t.” I get it. I just can’t help it. I really need to win the lottery. Now. Seriously.

how to become a manager

“If you’re not happy, it’s best that you leave as early as now.”, the supervisor said. He handles the transition team. Trainees need to undergo two weeks of transition before they get endorsed to the real world. The production. The trainer said something to him and he corrected himself (the supervisor) right away. He clarified what he meant, but I didn’t listen because for me, anything that comes out of his mouth is trash. I almost took my bag and fucking left the place, only I realized I needed a job and we haven’t gotten our first pay yet.

tree of life

I was sitting there. Alone. I checked, nobody’s around, so I’m pretty much sure about it. My mind didn’t comprehend, but my heart understood. I was owned. There were moments that my heart ached. It cried. Maybe it reminded me of something. Maybe it stirred memories suppressed, memories I forgot ever existed. Or something. Something.  ”Are you watching me?”, the boy asked at one point. I used to ask the same question. I have never gotten an  answer. Maybe there was an answer. Maybe I wasn’t listening carefully. Maybe I was hoping for a different one. Maybe. “Brother” , was the first line. And I knew right away. What, I don’t know. I just knew something.

always the hours

I can’t remember how the conversation about the book and the movie The Hours started. Maybe we were at the bookstore and have seen one of Cunningham’s books. Or maybe it was just us being random. But that conversation made me feel a bit uneasy. Not that there was anything bad happened or has been said. It just led us to the dialogue of the last scene when Woolf was about to drown herself. “Leonard, always the years between us, always the years. Always the love. Always the hours.” There’s something about it that’s unsettling. I don’t know. It was probably the books I bought or the coffee I had with a friend.

Again, to there.

So I finally decided to resign. After months of overthinking about doing it, I gave in to the idea. Just a few minutes ago, I forwarded my resignation letter to my manager’s email since he’s on rest day today. Two days ago, we have a one on one coaching. As usual, we discussed my performance last month and he told me his expectations from me for this month. I listened intently while he was explaining. He asked me how I feel about the changes, so many changes at that, that have been taking place with the account where we are assigned in. As always, I was very vocal about my feeling about these said changes, and as always, he would explain why these changes are necessary. I was surprised though when he said that basing on our conversation, he was assuming that I’m staying. “No. I’m already decided.”, I told him. He clarified what I meant. I reiterated that I’m leaving. I don’t know if it was just me, but after I told him that I am already decided to leave, his mood changed. Weird.

It’s like Adele’s chasing pavements, only I’m not talking about love or relationship

I think I have already written about my plan of going back to school, and how much I want to do so. Unfortunately, I have to delay it again. I need to look for another job, or make that apply to another company, before enrolling. I’ve been on my current job for more than eight months now. I love the company. I love its policies. But I hate what I do. I’ve been doing this kind of work for more than three years. I have always hated it. This time though it’s more than just hate. I don’t have a name for it, or I can’t name it yet – the feeling. It’s my first time to be a Customer Service Representative. I have always been on the technical side of customer service before. When I applied to this company, where I’m working now, I specifically said that I would like to be assigned to a technical program they have. Something happened though, and I don’t want to go in to the details because the more I think about it, the more I get pissed off. It was the recruiter’s fault. That bitch. Let’s leave it at that. My friends, who are with the account I originally applied for, would also call her, the recruiter, that. Which is, if I may add, just apt. My friends and I hate her to pieces. Now, I can’t go back to school and stay. It’s a suicide mission. I have to wait for the second semester though just to enroll if I decide to leave the company now. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so confused. And I worry a lot because based on experience, I am such a bad decision maker.

In the river, and out of that place.

Yesterday I was able to finish reading Suttree, one of McCarthy’s bests. I had been reading it for months, only because I do simultaneous reading and I fucking work (and this takes so much of my time and energy.) I remember almost crying when I first read the first few chapters of the book, especially the very first one. (Though of course, the book isn’t really divided into chapters. You should understand what I mean, though.) It was heartbreaking. He wrote it in such a way that readers would be eager to read some more, to find out more about the story and his characters. It was inviting. Very much, if you ask me. And as always, his heart for dialogue  got me. It always does. I think it’s his trademark, other than his way of writing itself. To be quite honest, there were parts were I got confused. Did this part happen before this part? Somewhat like Faulkner. I don’t think he writes like Faulkner, though. I think they are masters of their crafts. One writes as good as the other. No doubt about that. In Suttree, just like in The Road, he ended his genius on a general note. He’s not talking about his protagonist anymore. He’s talking about something else. Vague, but you know in your heart that you understand. You feel it. And sometimes, it breaks your heart.

i am not there 04/21/11

I don’t really have anything to write about. I realized though that it’s already April and I haven’t posted anything here for this month. I have been blogging on Blogger, but not that active. I don’t want to totally abandon this, or don’t want to feel like I’m abandoning this. This blog is a piece of me. People would know me better if they chance to read me here than to actually try and analyze who I really am in person. So if I happen to do something terrible, and the police would come running after me, please have them visit me here. Afterall, I am not there.

here we go again

Just yesterday, I had the strongest urge to write. Maybe it was my reading Ford’s short stories, which are rather long if I may add. But I was enjoying my niece’s company that I was not able to blog. Now, I don’t know how to write, or what to write anymore. Anyway, after months of not being home, I finally was able to face the reality that I miss my family. So Sunday night I took a bus to Pampanga. I made the right decision. I’m on my happiest now. I wouldn’t trade this to anything. My niece has grown so much since the last time I’ve seen her. And she’s so smart now. My sister has done a stupendous job raising her. Did I just use stupendous? My fear now is how to force myself to go back to reality? To Manila. To work. If only I could bring my family to the city, or bring my work here, I would. But just like most things that we want to happen in real life , it’s never that easy.

i am number five

Before I left the office yesterday, my new manager messaged me through Communicator. He wanted me to drop by his station. So I did. He just basically discussed how I was performing under his supervision. I’ve been with him for about eight days. I just got transferred to his team because my former supervisor was assigned to handle the new apprentice class. We were discussing my stats when he decided to tell me that he’ll be handling a new team come next week. I was disappointed. That meant I am to be transferred to another team. Again. He was already my fourth manager in six months. I don’t know about you but I think it’s crazy. You get to meet your new team and learn to adjust and then, just like that, you have to start all over again. When I was transferred the third time, I pretty much took it as a challenge. But not this time, not anymore. Now I felt lost. Literally. Unwanted. He explained that it wasn’t the case. And right there and then, for some odd, unknown, reason, I wanted to see Brokeback Mountain.