tree of life

I was sitting there. Alone. I checked, nobody’s around, so I’m pretty much sure about it. My mind didn’t comprehend, but my heart understood. I was owned. There were moments that my heart ached. It cried. Maybe it reminded me of something. Maybe it stirred memories suppressed, memories I forgot ever existed. Or something. Something.  ”Are you watching me?”, the boy asked at one point. I used to ask the same question. I have never gotten an  answer. Maybe there was an answer. Maybe I wasn’t listening carefully. Maybe I was hoping for a different one. Maybe. “Brother” , was the first line. And I knew right away. What, I don’t know. I just knew something.

always the hours

I can’t remember how the conversation about the book and the movie The Hours started. Maybe we were at the bookstore and have seen one of Cunningham’s books. Or maybe it was just us being random. But that conversation made me feel a bit uneasy. Not that there was anything bad happened or has been said. It just led us to the dialogue of the last scene when Woolf was about to drown herself. “Leonard, always the years between us, always the years. Always the love. Always the hours.” There’s something about it that’s unsettling. I don’t know. It was probably the books I bought or the coffee I had with a friend.

Again, to there.

So I finally decided to resign. After months of overthinking about doing it, I gave in to the idea. Just a few minutes ago, I forwarded my resignation letter to my manager’s email since he’s on rest day today. Two days ago, we have a one on one coaching. As usual, we discussed my performance last month and he told me his expectations from me for this month. I listened intently while he was explaining. He asked me how I feel about the changes, so many changes at that, that have been taking place with the account where we are assigned in. As always, I was very vocal about my feeling about these said changes, and as always, he would explain why these changes are necessary. I was surprised though when he said that basing on our conversation, he was assuming that I’m staying. “No. I’m already decided.”, I told him. He clarified what I meant. I reiterated that I’m leaving. I don’t know if it was just me, but after I told him that I am already decided to leave, his mood changed. Weird.