fallen

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

– Fallen, Sarah McLachlan

She got it just right.

that familiar feeling, 2

I probably have written, so many times already, how I adore Richard Ford, and how I love his novel Independence Day. The said novel is a sequel for The Sportswriter, which is a well-written novel as well. Currently, I’m reading the last installment of Frank Bascombe’s journey to the unknown, The Lay of the Land. Actually I don’t really have plans of writing about the book until I finish reading it. But somewhere in the middle part of the book, I have read something I need to share, or even just write about. Not that I think people could relate to it [this is also not to say that one couldn't, and this is just to clarify things], but it’s something pure, lovely but at the same time painful- that which hurts. This is a message Ann, Frank’s ex-wife who remarried to a man named Charley- who died of cancer- while Frank remarried to someone named Sally- who is now with her ex-husband, a man they  thought was already dead since no one’s heard of him for a very long time- left to Frank’s answering machine. This happened after Frank met her in the school she teaches and after he invited her to celebrate thanksgiving with him and thier two children [which Frank thought was a bad idea]. The story is not that complicated if you have read that first two novels- The Sportswriter and Independence Day. This, of course, doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t follow the story if you haven’t read the first two novels. That’s how good Ford is.

So here’s the message. This will leave me the agony of not being able to sleep. I’m sort of haunted by this.

…For the first time in a very long time you were good, like I said in my last message, or maybe I said it at school. Any-hoo, I just thought of one last thing, then I’m going to bed. Do you remember once when you took the little kids to see a baseball game?In Philadelphia, I guess. Charley and I were somewhere on his boat, and you had them down there. And some player, I guess, hit a ball that came right at you. Of course you remember all this, sweetheart. And Paul said you just reached up with one hand and caught it. He said everybody around you stood up and applauded you, and your hand swelled up huge. But he said you were so happy. You smiled and smiled, he said. And I thought when he told me: That’s the man I thought I married. Not because you could catch an old ball, but because that’s all I thought it took to make you happy. I realized that when I married you I thought I could make you happy just like that. I really did think that. Things made you happy then. I think you gave that ball to Paul. I have it somewhere. So okay. Life’s an odd transit. I already said that. It’ll be nice to see Paul tomorrow- at least I hope it will. Good night.

and i am in!

So I have a new work. It’s not exactly new, though. I will still be doing the same things I had been doing with my previous work. Maybe the correct thing to say [or write] is that I have basically the same job with a different company. It’s more appropriate, I suppose. I’ll be starting on Monday [training] but I still have to process a lot of requirements for the said job. And when I say [or write] a lot of requirements, I really mean A LOT. It’s not merely an exaggeration. Though I’ll already be starting next week, I still feel that I’m not yet ready for the job [not just for my new job but for any job for that matter]. But I don’t have any choice of course. I have rent to pay, books to read [these of course I need to buy], and movies I need to see on the big screen. So I guess saying that “I’m ready even if I really am not” is my only option right now. I have other options, though. It’s just that they are so impractical I wouldn’t- and no one can, really- consider them as options.

I am happy for the fifteen days I was a bum. And I actually realized so many things that normal men, or even women, of my age are not able to sometimes realize- and wouldn’t be able to realize because of their so called careers. One of these realization is that the greatest job in the world is not having one. But it can also be dreadful so “choice” plays a big role.

and i am out!

Last night was my last night at work. I didn’t take calls since my log in’s didn’t work anymore. Thank God. Yes, I am now officially a bum. And I don’t care. This is actually one of the very few moments that I’m so sure of the decision I’ve made. I’ve given, and suffered enough in that stupid account I was assigned to. My friends there were asking me to stay. I would tell them that if they love me, they wouldn’t ask me to stay. It seems not to work though because they still keep on asking me to stay.

Now I know why I adore Ford’s Independence Day. Though Frank’s life and mine are rather different.

wow, those long shots, and that

Though I don’t consider it my favorite, not yet, Children of Men, which I have just seen this afternoon, is a miracle. It felt like God directed it himself. And if it was really directed by Him, He could have won the Oscars or the BAFTA or the Golden Globes or me. But then, He can have me anytime. I think He knows me more than I know myself. He knows my “carnal pleasure”. Right God?

detour

Yesterday was a rather busy day for me. On my way to my apartment from work [around 10 am], I received a text from my sister asking me to buy a plane ticket for mom to Bacolod [where I had my high school]. So that meant I have to take a day off from work because I have to fetch mom in Pampanga [where I had "some" of my college]. Pampanga is more than an hour away from Manila [where I'm working]. Geez, we’re, my family, is everywhere. I bought a plane ticket them, got myself to that more-than-an-hour bus to Pampanga, slept, ate and had my coffee there for less than two hours, got my self with mom to another more-than-an-hour trip back to Manila. I tell you, it’s torture.

When we arrived, I just changed my top, cleaned my face and went out to see a friend [Nelmar] I haven’t seen for, I believe, more than six years. He is a high school friend, and we majored in the same course in college. I moved to Pampanga a year after. We ate dinner and talk, which for me is one of the best conversations I have ever had with someone [though we just talk about the things we talk about when we're chatting online]. We’ll go out again on Saturday. Mall hopping is what we’ll do. I’m pretty much excited about it.

I arrived in the apartment around 12 am, stayed awake for two and a half hours, and headed to the airport with mom. I took a cab going back because I don’t know the way back. Shame. While in the taxi, I just thought that I “might” want to become a taxi driver. Maybe it’s because of watching too much of Scorsese’s Taxi Driver. But I love the thought of it. I slept right away by the time I arrived at the apartment. It surely was a tiring day.

Then I woke up this morning realizing how great my day was yesterday. It actually felt weird. Weird but nice. Very nice.

the greatest masquerade

I am a pretender. I am very good in pretending. I’m exceptional at it. I smile a lot. I make people laugh, especially at work. I’m one of their clowns there. Not that they’re making fun of me, I just make them laugh. Even when I’m down. Even when all I want to do is go home and cry. Until now I still can’t figure out why I am this way. Maybe this is the reason why I want my friends to share their problems with me. I can’t bear that thought of them going through the same shit I’m going. It’s killing.

the beautiful him

I’ve seen a lot of Jude Law for the past two days. I didn’t intend of seeing or watching him that much. It’s just that most of the movies I had watched involved him [Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, My Blueberry Nights, Road to Perdition and the amazingly beautiful Closer]. I’m beginning to think that I’m becoming a fan. He acts very well, and I like, if not love, his movies. And he’s a beautiful man too. Even beautiful than his leading ladies.

she

Today’s my mother’s birthday. We used to have a great relationship. We were very close to each other before. Something has changed that closeness though. Maybe it was my growing up and learning new things. Or maybe it was because I moved to the city for high school and left her in that very secluded town we used to live at. I love her still, very much, and I know she loves me too. She’s my mother afterall.

To the woman who still do my laundry by hand, who make my coffee whenever I’m home, who’d cry when seriously arguing with me, who once caught me masturbating [this was in elementary, a long long time ago], happy birthday.

And thank you.

And I love you.

the crying game

Sometimes when life got me so fucked up, what I’d do [and this is more likely the only thing I can do] is cry. I’d feel better and relieved afterwards. But then I’d realize that there’s still tomorrow. SSDD. Oh, fuck.